Peace, Wine, and Pushups

Hello ladies and even gentleman if you are joining. I have been MIA for a while, and let me tell you why. In July, specifically July 17th I found out I had miscarried what would have been our second baby. Since this devastating news I have not been myself. I woke up today and finally felt ready to share my story in hopes to heal my own self, but also in hopes to reach out to other women and couples who have gone through this heartbreaking experience. Even if you have not been through this it may give you some insight. Through the last few months I have found (for myself at least), that silence creates more pain.

Anyone who has tried to get pregnant before knows the pure excitement of the positive pregnancy test. You start planning, imagining, and hoping for so many things right off the bat. We went in for our first appointment at 8 weeks and everything was normal, we got to see our baby’s heartbeat and we were so excited. Fast forward to the 12 week appointment. Unfortunately, my husband was out-of-town for work. It was the first appointment he had ever missed (he had been there for every single one of the appointments through our first pregnancy). I was so excited, it was to be the appointment that we would have blood work to find out if it were a boy or girl. I sat down for my ultrasound and my stomach dropped when I heard the words, “I’m just not finding a heartbeat.” I still cry as I write this now when I think back on those words. They still pop into my head on a daily basis. Fuck those words!

I was measuring about 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor thought it must have happened right after our first appointment, although I had no symptoms and knew nothing was wrong until that 12 week appointment. When in your mind you have been pregnant for 12 weeks and within minutes that is taken from you I cannot explain the devastation, confusion, and anger that occurs, at least for me.

As I sat alone in that office for what felt like an eternity for the doctor to come in, I just kept repeating the words over and over in my head, “I’m just not finding a heartbeat.” I felt like a zombie and listening to all the information from the doctor kind of just went in one ear and out the other. I decided to have a D & C the following day. I just wanted this pain to end as soon as possible. I was then shuffled to another room to do all the insurance and hospital paperwork. Are you fucking kidding me, I just found out I lost my baby less than 30 minutes ago! I called my husband, and he left work right away, but would take him a while to get home. I also called my mom on the way home and cried to her, other than that I did not want to see or talk to anyone. In fact I did not talk to my mom for at least another week or so after this day. I came home and just laid there alone in disbelief. I cannot even imagine how my poor husband felt finding this news out at work and having to drive all the way home from so far away.

We went to the hospital early the next morning and I was prepped for surgery to have our baby removed, not quite how you picture things ending when you first look at that positive pregnancy test. It was a very emotional day, we both cried a lot! I remember when I was being admitted into the hospital I was crying and the lady at the front said “oh, are you nervous about surgery?” For some reason that really stung, she had no clue what we were going through and it angered me. It made me feel stupid for crying. I cried all the way until I went under anesthesia and I woke up crying. It just would not stop. Waking up and no longer being pregnant was the absolute worst  I had ever felt in my entire life, I was completely heartbroken.

Telling people was hard, but also healing in many ways. For some reason our society keeps miscarriage so silent. Everyone seems to know what to say when a grandparent dies, someone who has lived there life, but when it is a pregnancy that has ended we are all stuck or uncomfortable. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. All I needed to hear was, I am so sorry for your loss and I am hear to listen. So many people say things like, “Well, something wasn’t right so it was probably a good thing” or “at least you got pregnant” or “at least you were early on”. I’m not angry with the people who said these things, I don’t think people know what to say (before I had been through this I wouldn’t have known what to say), but hearing these words as a women who has just suffered an immense loss in the words of Dr. Jessica Zucker “minimizes the magnum of the situation.” And no women wants to feel like this is no big deal or she is overreacting, because it is her whole world right now.

My feelings change day-to-day. It has almost been 4 months for me and some days I feel good, others I feel angry, alone, sad, and ashamed, but I believe in order to heal you must feel. I have felt so many emotions along this awful journey so far. I have felt ashamed. Did I do something to cause this, is this karma? I have felt guilty. Maybe I am not a good enough mom. I have felt alone. I know they say this happens all the time, but not many of my friends have gone through it and that makes it hard when people can’t relate. Most of all I have felt anger. Angry with people who are pregnant, angry at myself, pretty much angry at the entire fucking world! And all these feelings are ok. It is hard to be happy for others, it is hard to walk through your day pretending everything is fine, it is hard as fuck.  There is no need to rush the grieving process.

What I have found that has helped me along the way is  really trying to be present and finding joy in the moment, what is good right now? Really finding and thinking about the things you are grateful for. There is something very powerful in being powerless, and I really do believe things happen for a reason (as much as that sucks to hear sometimes). I want to end with some words again by Dr. Jessica Zucker, “We don’t infect each other by sharing our stories.” Hearing other women’s stories has helped me greatly in the healing process and If I can at least help one women or couple with sharing my personal story it would make me so happy! Let’s Break the silence.

I’ve recently been in a total funk, just not feeling good in my own skin. You know, the bullshit every gal goes through from time to time and decided I needed to do something nice for myself. I feel like it’s so easy to get wrapped up in our daily lives and the stress that sometimes comes along with, that we forget to add something special in every once in a while. I mean, shit you have to treat yo self sometimes girls! Anyway, enough of my babbling.

I wanted to throw out a recommendation to all you Denver gals. I recently went to Purely Organic a new spa in cherry creek that was fabulous! Tammi the owner is hands down a total boss babe! I received the signature facial and added on the Organic micro dermabrasion and micro-derm ultra-refining. Not only was I able to total relax without a toddler yelling in the back ground, but I left feeling so much better in my skin, literally!

I had to share my experience because it was top-notch and I left feeling rejuvenated inside and out! As I’ve said before I’m all about supporting other women in their business ventures, I mean if we don’t support each other than who will? Go treat yo self babes!