Category: Life

Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with this topic as are many women and their partners. Our first miscarriage was in July of last year, I have shared my experience about this in a previous post “miscarriage sucks, break the silence”. Our second miscarriage was in January of this year. Needless to say, it’s been a rough year for Cullin and me. Now let me back up for a second here and be completely honest. It has been hands down the shittiest year of my life, I cannot speak for Cullin. If you have followed me at all you know I like to keep it real, so here it goes.

Postpartum depression? All too real for so many new mamas, but where is the research and talk about the post miscarriage depression that I have been experiencing (I know I can’t be the only one). I have struggled to find research on this topic. Ahhh, the two pink lines! So much excitement rushes through your body, you can’t help but start planning and hoping for this little being that has set up camp inside you, but what happens when it all comes screeching to a halt and your told “there’s no heartbeat” or you miscarry in the restroom at the nail salon? These were my personal experiences, everyone’s are different, but none less painful than the other. I think it is safe to say ladies, that it is just an awful fucking experience! Am I right? Your losing your hair, you may have put on a few extra pounds, your hormones are totally fucking with you, but there is no sweet baby there to make all those things not matter. All the postpartum symptoms, but no baby. Is this some cruel joke?! Now these were my personal physical experiences, yours might have been totally different, but I think what we ladies do share in common is the mental aspects of the aftermath of a miscarriage.

For almost a full year now, I have been struggling with severe anxiety, panicky feelings, guilt, self-doubt, anger, fear, loneliness, isolation and sadness, all while trying to make sense of what has happened. Which basically has added up to depression. I cry when I see pregnant women, I cringe at the birth announcements. Why can’t I just be happy for these other women? Why am I such an asshole? These are specific thoughts that have gone through my head.  Some days are better than others, some months worse than others. It has put strain on our marriage and frankly every aspect of our life because I am not in a good place. I have struggled with the fact that men grieve very differently than women when put in this situation. I have tried to move past the darkness that sits inside, but it just keeps creeping back. You try to think about all the wonderful things you do have. All the blessings in life, because there are so many, but there is always that pit in your stomach, something or “someone” is missing. Now these feelings have made me feel like a bad mom, a bad wife, and even a bad friend at times. I have a beautiful little boy and an amazing husband, a great life. I shouldn’t be focusing on the negative, right? We cannot let ourselves succumb to these feelings or emotions. We are not “bad” moms or “bad” wives or even “bad” friends. We are just in a “bad” time and we have to know that pain will subside with time, maybe not completely, but a bit. We must tell ourselves and each other that we are doing the best we can. We must stop suffering in silence because of the negative stigma that is depression or miscarriage.

It has been just recently that I have really come to terms with the fact that yes, I am suffering from post-miscarriage depression and yes, I do need some outside help. I have tried to work through it on my own and allowing myself to grieve really has helped me to accept it somewhat, but it has not been enough for me personally. I am going to my first acupuncture appointment this week and am very excited to seek outside help and I hope this will relieve some of my symptoms. I will be doing a post to update you on my experience! Acupuncture has always been something I have wanted to try and I thought what better time than the present.

My advice to other women going through this is to talk about it when you are ready. I have found it therapeutic. It helps you to not feel so alone and you’ll be amazed how many people come out of the wood work that you never knew have gone through the same thing. Try and find the life lessons in this shitty situation (I know, easier said than done)! I tend to be a bit of a control freak, there I said it! This experience has taught me that you have no control over some things in life. As much as that sucks to admit. It has made me appreciate the sweet little boy that I have standing right in front of me even more. It has helped me to appreciate my husband more for supporting and putting up with me through this hard time, even when I am going bat shit crazy, ha-ha! I’d like to finish with a quote by Louise Hay that has helped me. “The more self-hatred and guilt we have, the less our lives work. The less self-hatred and guilt we have, the better our lives work, on all levels.” Miscarriage is not our fault as women. Our bodies have not let us down, as much as it feels like it some days. Our bodies are capable of amazing things so love yourself like crazy, ask for help when you need it, and keep moving forward! I believe if we do this, great things will soon come our way. We’ve got this ladies. Baby dust to all.

Hello ladies and even gentleman if you are joining. I have been MIA for a while, and let me tell you why. In July, specifically July 17th I found out I had miscarried what would have been our second baby. Since this devastating news I have not been myself. I woke up today and finally felt ready to share my story in hopes to heal my own self, but also in hopes to reach out to other women and couples who have gone through this heartbreaking experience. Even if you have not been through this it may give you some insight. Through the last few months I have found (for myself at least), that silence creates more pain.

Anyone who has tried to get pregnant before knows the pure excitement of the positive pregnancy test. You start planning, imagining, and hoping for so many things right off the bat. We went in for our first appointment at 8 weeks and everything was normal, we got to see our baby’s heartbeat and we were so excited. Fast forward to the 12 week appointment. Unfortunately, my husband was out-of-town for work. It was the first appointment he had ever missed (he had been there for every single one of the appointments through our first pregnancy). I was so excited, it was to be the appointment that we would have blood work to find out if it were a boy or girl. I sat down for my ultrasound and my stomach dropped when I heard the words, “I’m just not finding a heartbeat.” I still cry as I write this now when I think back on those words. They still pop into my head on a daily basis. Fuck those words!

I was measuring about 8 weeks pregnant. The doctor thought it must have happened right after our first appointment, although I had no symptoms and knew nothing was wrong until that 12 week appointment. When in your mind you have been pregnant for 12 weeks and within minutes that is taken from you I cannot explain the devastation, confusion, and anger that occurs, at least for me.

As I sat alone in that office for what felt like an eternity for the doctor to come in, I just kept repeating the words over and over in my head, “I’m just not finding a heartbeat.” I felt like a zombie and listening to all the information from the doctor kind of just went in one ear and out the other. I decided to have a D & C the following day. I just wanted this pain to end as soon as possible. I was then shuffled to another room to do all the insurance and hospital paperwork. Are you fucking kidding me, I just found out I lost my baby less than 30 minutes ago! I called my husband, and he left work right away, but would take him a while to get home. I also called my mom on the way home and cried to her, other than that I did not want to see or talk to anyone. In fact I did not talk to my mom for at least another week or so after this day. I came home and just laid there alone in disbelief. I cannot even imagine how my poor husband felt finding this news out at work and having to drive all the way home from so far away.

We went to the hospital early the next morning and I was prepped for surgery to have our baby removed, not quite how you picture things ending when you first look at that positive pregnancy test. It was a very emotional day, we both cried a lot! I remember when I was being admitted into the hospital I was crying and the lady at the front said “oh, are you nervous about surgery?” For some reason that really stung, she had no clue what we were going through and it angered me. It made me feel stupid for crying. I cried all the way until I went under anesthesia and I woke up crying. It just would not stop. Waking up and no longer being pregnant was the absolute worst  I had ever felt in my entire life, I was completely heartbroken.

Telling people was hard, but also healing in many ways. For some reason our society keeps miscarriage so silent. Everyone seems to know what to say when a grandparent dies, someone who has lived there life, but when it is a pregnancy that has ended we are all stuck or uncomfortable. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. All I needed to hear was, I am so sorry for your loss and I am hear to listen. So many people say things like, “Well, something wasn’t right so it was probably a good thing” or “at least you got pregnant” or “at least you were early on”. I’m not angry with the people who said these things, I don’t think people know what to say (before I had been through this I wouldn’t have known what to say), but hearing these words as a women who has just suffered an immense loss in the words of Dr. Jessica Zucker “minimizes the magnum of the situation.” And no women wants to feel like this is no big deal or she is overreacting, because it is her whole world right now.

My feelings change day-to-day. It has almost been 4 months for me and some days I feel good, others I feel angry, alone, sad, and ashamed, but I believe in order to heal you must feel. I have felt so many emotions along this awful journey so far. I have felt ashamed. Did I do something to cause this, is this karma? I have felt guilty. Maybe I am not a good enough mom. I have felt alone. I know they say this happens all the time, but not many of my friends have gone through it and that makes it hard when people can’t relate. Most of all I have felt anger. Angry with people who are pregnant, angry at myself, pretty much angry at the entire fucking world! And all these feelings are ok. It is hard to be happy for others, it is hard to walk through your day pretending everything is fine, it is hard as fuck.  There is no need to rush the grieving process.

What I have found that has helped me along the way is  really trying to be present and finding joy in the moment, what is good right now? Really finding and thinking about the things you are grateful for. There is something very powerful in being powerless, and I really do believe things happen for a reason (as much as that sucks to hear sometimes). I want to end with some words again by Dr. Jessica Zucker, “We don’t infect each other by sharing our stories.” Hearing other women’s stories has helped me greatly in the healing process and If I can at least help one women or couple with sharing my personal story it would make me so happy! Let’s Break the silence.

I’ve recently been in a total funk, just not feeling good in my own skin. You know, the bullshit every gal goes through from time to time and decided I needed to do something nice for myself. I feel like it’s so easy to get wrapped up in our daily lives and the stress that sometimes comes along with, that we forget to add something special in every once in a while. I mean, shit you have to treat yo self sometimes girls! Anyway, enough of my babbling.

I wanted to throw out a recommendation to all you Denver gals. I recently went to Purely Organic a new spa in cherry creek that was fabulous! Tammi the owner is hands down a total boss babe! I received the signature facial and added on the Organic micro dermabrasion and micro-derm ultra-refining. Not only was I able to total relax without a toddler yelling in the back ground, but I left feeling so much better in my skin, literally!

I had to share my experience because it was top-notch and I left feeling rejuvenated inside and out! As I’ve said before I’m all about supporting other women in their business ventures, I mean if we don’t support each other than who will? Go treat yo self babes!

Since having a baby I have been forced to listen to my body more and unfortunately for my crazy ass that means slowing down my workouts occasionally. I have a hard time slowing down in general and not just physically, but mentally too, which brings me to my topic for the day, yoga.

I hate yoga! I know, I know, who hates yoga? I love yoga sculpt, where I get to jump around and still use weights, but who am I kidding that’s not the real mindful, get in touch with yourself, slow it down yoga that I need. Now don’t get me wrong, I always feel good after yoga, but getting through it is pure hell for me. Hate is a strong word and the reason I use it is because of the feelings yoga brings up for me.

The loud breathing of the people around me, the girl in the perfect outfit next to me, the jack ass in front of me in his fancy yoga positions. These are the things that bring anger up for me, who the fuck gets angry during yoga? I do! But, it’s not those people around me that I’m angry at, in fact I admire them. The fact that I’m focusing so much attention on them is my problem.

Yoga is about getting in touch with yourself and the “shell” we call our body, right? Well if it’s about me, why am I focusing on other people? Maybe the anger coming out is about me and instead of putting my fucking big girl pants on and dealing with that I’m putting it on the others around me. And that my friends is hard to swallow, but shit, the truth hurts sometimes! Thank you, I’ll now be sending every one reading this a check for my therapy session :).

It has taken me a long time to figure this out. My goal has been to do yoga once a week. Some weeks I do it and others I skip, repeatedly. It is such a humbling experience for me. It’s hard for me to hold poses, to quiet my thoughts, to talk nicely to myself, and for the love of God to sit still and slow my ass down!

It’s the things in life that make us uncomfortable that we usually shy away from or “hate” in my situation, but these are the things that change us. These are the situations that we should be hauling ass towards!

I see this everyday as a fitness and nutrition professional. People want to make changes, they want to see changes, but are scared to take the steps to do so. It is scary, it may bring up yucky thoughts at first, you will be uncomfortable, but its important to start the journey. Even if you get sidetracked from time to time, you keep going. Living a healthy lifestyle is a journey. Things don’t happen overnight and when you reach a goal, make another one.

My current goal is to love yoga. Now am I anywhere close to that right now, fuck no! But damn it I’m gonna get there!

I have 3 simple steps that I always use to help me get out of my comfort zone. Hopefully they will help you!

1. Talk nicely to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to your best girlfriend, why on earth would you say it to yourself!
2. Think of how you’ll feel after.
3. Think of one thing you are amazing at. Why wouldn’t you want to try something new and potentially add something to your list?

The struggle is real girls, but we are tough AF and can slay anything we put our minds to. Have a kick ass Tuesday.