Author: peacewineandpushups

Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with this topic as are many women and their partners. Our first miscarriage was in July of last year, I have shared my experience about this in a previous post “miscarriage sucks, break the silence”. Our second miscarriage was in January of this year. Needless to say, it’s been a rough year for Cullin and me. Now let me back up for a second here and be completely honest. It has been hands down the shittiest year of my life, I cannot speak for Cullin. If you have followed me at all you know I like to keep it real, so here it goes.

Postpartum depression? All too real for so many new mamas, but where is the research and talk about the post miscarriage depression that I have been experiencing (I know I can’t be the only one). I have struggled to find research on this topic. Ahhh, the two pink lines! So much excitement rushes through your body, you can’t help but start planning and hoping for this little being that has set up camp inside you, but what happens when it all comes screeching to a halt and your told “there’s no heartbeat” or you miscarry in the restroom at the nail salon? These were my personal experiences, everyone’s are different, but none less painful than the other. I think it is safe to say ladies, that it is just an awful fucking experience! Am I right? Your losing your hair, you may have put on a few extra pounds, your hormones are totally fucking with you, but there is no sweet baby there to make all those things not matter. All the postpartum symptoms, but no baby. Is this some cruel joke?! Now these were my personal physical experiences, yours might have been totally different, but I think what we ladies do share in common is the mental aspects of the aftermath of a miscarriage.

For almost a full year now, I have been struggling with severe anxiety, panicky feelings, guilt, self-doubt, anger, fear, loneliness, isolation and sadness, all while trying to make sense of what has happened. Which basically has added up to depression. I cry when I see pregnant women, I cringe at the birth announcements. Why can’t I just be happy for these other women? Why am I such an asshole? These are specific thoughts that have gone through my head.  Some days are better than others, some months worse than others. It has put strain on our marriage and frankly every aspect of our life because I am not in a good place. I have struggled with the fact that men grieve very differently than women when put in this situation. I have tried to move past the darkness that sits inside, but it just keeps creeping back. You try to think about all the wonderful things you do have. All the blessings in life, because there are so many, but there is always that pit in your stomach, something or “someone” is missing. Now these feelings have made me feel like a bad mom, a bad wife, and even a bad friend at times. I have a beautiful little boy and an amazing husband, a great life. I shouldn’t be focusing on the negative, right? We cannot let ourselves succumb to these feelings or emotions. We are not “bad” moms or “bad” wives or even “bad” friends. We are just in a “bad” time and we have to know that pain will subside with time, maybe not completely, but a bit. We must tell ourselves and each other that we are doing the best we can. We must stop suffering in silence because of the negative stigma that is depression or miscarriage.

It has been just recently that I have really come to terms with the fact that yes, I am suffering from post-miscarriage depression and yes, I do need some outside help. I have tried to work through it on my own and allowing myself to grieve really has helped me to accept it somewhat, but it has not been enough for me personally. I am going to my first acupuncture appointment this week and am very excited to seek outside help and I hope this will relieve some of my symptoms. I will be doing a post to update you on my experience! Acupuncture has always been something I have wanted to try and I thought what better time than the present.

My advice to other women going through this is to talk about it when you are ready. I have found it therapeutic. It helps you to not feel so alone and you’ll be amazed how many people come out of the wood work that you never knew have gone through the same thing. Try and find the life lessons in this shitty situation (I know, easier said than done)! I tend to be a bit of a control freak, there I said it! This experience has taught me that you have no control over some things in life. As much as that sucks to admit. It has made me appreciate the sweet little boy that I have standing right in front of me even more. It has helped me to appreciate my husband more for supporting and putting up with me through this hard time, even when I am going bat shit crazy, ha-ha! I’d like to finish with a quote by Louise Hay that has helped me. “The more self-hatred and guilt we have, the less our lives work. The less self-hatred and guilt we have, the better our lives work, on all levels.” Miscarriage is not our fault as women. Our bodies have not let us down, as much as it feels like it some days. Our bodies are capable of amazing things so love yourself like crazy, ask for help when you need it, and keep moving forward! I believe if we do this, great things will soon come our way. We’ve got this ladies. Baby dust to all.